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It’s a tough 7 letter word.

Yooo!!! It’s been a while. It has been a hectic week, feels like I’ve been digging tunnels for months but we made it. On to where my random thoughts lead me. I beg you please entertain my idleness cause this is gonna be a long one so, sit back relax and enjoy. (Does a curtsy but for guys reminiscent of my music fest days)

Commit? Commitment? Committing? (sijasema ‘kwa meeting’ watu wa kushrub hehe) I feel like I’m back in an English class doing mnyambuliko wa vitenzi, ya English though. OK enough of the trip down memory lane. What am I getting at, do we know the meaning of this word or when to use it? I’ll give you a second to pull out your dictionary or just type it on to google.

Are you done? Have you checked? For those who’ve been given the chance to read ahead of the teacher but have chosen not to take it, here I am to spoon feed you :). The Cambridge University dictionary defines the word commit-verb- as, “to promise or give your loyalty, time, or money to a particular principle, person, or plan of action“ I am glad they put the committing to a person at the end cause I can’t deal with the relationship version of commit right now, too much drama.

Oh yes committing. Have you ever decided/promised that you will use your time to do something at a particular point in time to achieve a particular purpose or promise not to spend your cash on the impulse heels shopping you’ve been doing? Yes, I’m talking about you. I have made those kinds of promises countless of times and I have failed miserably most of the time, miserably I tell you.

I’m sure every one of you already has their new year’s resolutions in place and are already working on them right? Well, join the queue. I usually celebrate my birthday in December as the New Year as well so I think I usually feel the pressure of the resolutions more. I haven’t set any resolutions for 2020, OK except one and that’s achieving the one’s I set mid-way through 2019. I have no reason as to why I have not come close to achieving any of them but I do have an excuse, flimsy one as it may be I simply cannot commit. I put a plan in motion, I set a target, come up with an objective but at the end of the day what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I’m very sure I’m not the only one who’s been here.

I used to tell myself in campus that if my classes for the day end before 2:00 p.m I would go straight home so I could get my life in order and prep for the next day, you know washing dishes, doing laundry, cooking(where are the heart emojis when you need them) etc. I think I ended up going straight home just 5% of those times. Ironically I used to get home later than when I had an evening class. All because I couldn’t commit to my initial plan.

My friends know I love gaming and sometimes it becomes my weakness. I am a sore loser so bet money if I lose the last game I will definitely ask for a rematch and makes it easier if I’m playing vs the PC. I game alone so unlike the group meetups where you could split the bill, I was splitting it between my left side pocket and my right side pocket. It used to put so much of a dent on my finances, I’d be regretting it like weeks later, a girl-friend of mine suggested a wager. I hate losing so I was definitely up for it, “every time you go gaming on your own you’ll owe me 500ksh, the only exception would be if you’re with a group or just someone to split it with” It was a tough one but I was up for it. A week didn’t even go by and your guy here had failed so I gave her the cash. Little secret as far as she knows I’ve only gamed once alone but in reality, I owe her like 4K or more but don’t tell her. All because I couldn’t commit.

So for 2020 nimesema I’ll only be having 2 meals a day, breakfast and early dinner(yes nimepanda bei hatukuli supper tena) so that means no lunch. There’s a place I go to search for cash for deposit ya dowry, yes I said dowry. Cheka tu na hauko mbali, she’s probably out there doing some med related course, master’s ama phd alafu mpatane akiclear anataka umuite “Dr Sweetheart or Dr Bae” utalipia bro hehe. So yes there’s a lady who comes selling food and she’s usually situated at the kitchen, I head there to wash my cup after having enjoyed the last of my chamomile earl grey lemon coffee and as I head to the kitchen I cross paths with a colleague who has the audacity to ask me “hukuli lunch leo” so I politely answer no and head to the kitchen and diligently wash my cup. Guess what this fool called Mesh did? This is a facepalm moment right here. Dude left the kitchen came back and had the AUDACITY to ask for food. Yea couldn’t commit.

It’s not all sad stories, I have one that I actually did stick to my decision or I’m planning to. Long story short I accidental walked from Westlands to town the other day and realised 2 things, one it’s actually not that far and 2 since time isn’t on my side in terms of going to the gym(this is a lie I totally failed to commit) I’ll be walking instead and walking to town is the best routine yet. Got to a matatu stage heard them saying 10bob tao. That’s when you start hearing the coins jingle in your pocket hadi unafikiria conda ameziskia juu ya venye amekuangalia.

I had just got hold of some cash that was supposed to have hit my account by Dec but delayed. Nilishika hivi tu a bit of it hahaha makosa. I had already started going through my phone book to look for ladies I hadn’t talked to in a while ndio niwapeleke out for a candle-lit dinner with us basking in the moonlight, yea right. I took a boda from Kilimani to the Java on Mbagathi road. Sema boychild kuteseka, we passed Big Square, some Chinese restaurant, Prestige, Chicken Inn, Pizza Inn and it was on a freaking Tuesday. I called my friend who’s usually at Strath so that we take the trek home pamoja from Strath cause singehack. Nilikuwa naskia pesa ikiniongelesha I tell you, never had I heard a sweeter voice, got to Java and told my friend” Bro naskia pesa zikiiniongelesha na sijawahi enda Java na KFC iko pale across. Unadai bucket ngapi?” Don’t worry I never bought, nimenona ya kutosha.

At the end of the day what I’m trying to say is we all get to a point where we set goals and put in place a plan to achieve them but how often do things go as planned? There is always something that will come up and when it does we never follow up. The passion, drive and zeal we had when starting out is no longer there. The fire just doesn’t burn as bright as it used to before. Everything hinges on whether you’ll decide to commit to the plan or not. You can go ahead and google commitment tips and all that but I tell you for free, if your heart ain’t in it, you are going nowhere.

Set the target, put a plan in motion, eliminate distractions, learn new habits, self-discipline and reward yourself. You can’t be doing all the tough stuff for nothing. Are you ready to cast aside the past you and embrace the 2.0 version of yourself? Then go………………………..COMMIT.

Rather Start Now, Than Regret Later

Procrastination! Sometimes I feel like I and this word are two sides of the same coin it’s sad that I think it but I have proven it to be so true on numerous occasions.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines procrastinate (verb) as, “to keep delaying something that has to be done because it is unpleasant or boring” They should have added because one feels it is hard or difficult cause honestly, I feel like that has got to be the main reason we procrastinate, like think about it why not study for an upcoming quiz that carries 40% of your grade and instead you’re on Netflix, why take the lift to the 2nd floor when you said you’d be working out this year? The definition of the word should be changed to see if people will spur into action especially about resolutions they made. Procrastinate, “pushing aside what you should actually be doing and doing something else cause you think time is going to stop for you” or “postponing things to the last minute cause I think I work well under pressure” defined by yours truly. Ok for some people it might be true but what happens if its something that doesn’t have a deadline? There’s really no set deadline as to when you should clean your room, start a business, get in shape, get married or even do your second degree or learn a new skill. There is no deadline other than the one you set for yourself and the advantage of that is…………………………I could also shift the goal posts.(is it an advantage though?)

In an article (https://africa.businessinsider.com/strategy/the-4-main-types-of-procrastinators-and-how-to-not-be-one-of-them-according-to-2/qf6ww6jbreakdown) in Business Insider Africa 10/19/2020 Ali Schiller and Marissa Boisver the 4 procrastination personality types:

  1. The performer who says, “I work well under pressure”This procrastinator forces themselves to focus by shrinking the time they have to tackle a task.

The less time you have the more you concentrate and focus on the task at hand. 11th hour type of people whom the ticking of time s their drive. John Kessel, “Nothing makes player more productive than the last minute”

 2. The self-deprecator who says, “I am so lazy right now” This procrastinator is the opposite of lazy, so when they don’t do something they are extra hard on themselves.

This one was a bit tricky to understand but if I am to guess, you are intentional about the particular task, objective or thing you want to do but due to circumstances be it fatigue, conflict of interest, lack of the necessary tools needed or even actual lack of time (not like some people) you are unable to do it. You then end up being hard on yourself because of that. (Ideal procrastinator to me)

3. The overbooker who says, “I’m so busy. This procrastinator is a pro at filling up their calendar and is often overwhelmed. “I’m so busy” is probably the excuse we hear most often.

Cause what better way to push things down the pecking order than by replacing them with more important stuff. I ain’t saying it’s bad to focus on things that you just have to do but come on live a little. You work an 8-5 get home late got to cook and prepare for the next etc. etc. so you don’t have time to finish crocheting the beanie you started or time fold your piled up clothes from last week’s wash cause you’re busy making your plans for the weekend. This is actually self-sabotage, setting yourself up for failure before you even begin cause you will never actually begin.

4. The novelty seeker who says, “I just had the best idea!”This procrastinator has a terminal case of Shiny Object Syndrome. They’re constantly coming up with new projects to take on and then getting bored with them a week later. They’re intrigued by the latest trend and will be quick to implement but not follow through.

Everything fascinates you, you wanna try it all, you wanna do it all, but…when it gets to the meat and potatoes ‘catch me outside how about that’ Walking on our own must have been a very fascinating concept when we were toddlers, I wonder why we never got bored of it and just decide to sit. I am pretty sure we’ve all started something then halfway through we get bore and something else piques our curiosity.

Honestly I’m this last guy, if I’m to sum up my experience, life, journey etc. ” Jack of all trades,………. but a master of none’

I had you there for a moment didn’t I?

When I joined high school I was fascinated by basketball. Mandem had no clue about it but I did know those lacking in height had an uphill task and I was ready for that. Fast forward to second term, I learnt the rules, could dribble decently for a beginner and I was on the bench for the school team – team B though- I thought I would do it forever lakini loo maziwa ng’oo your boy decided to quit and moved on to rugby, not gone lie I was never good at it and by the end of high school, I might as well have been an anti-sport.

I look at myself now and I see the same pattern unfold. I was so passionate about the guitar started lessons a few years down the line don’t even remember the name of the chords, upgraded my laptop so I could start animating, I’ve spent more time on Netflix when I should have been watching tutorials, I used to write music, poetry and spoken word, got to a point my friends had to consult me before sending letters out to girl schools’ cause I would always have a way to spice it up, now…ain’t nothing as stale as the dms I send out to chicks, makes sense why my Whatsapp thrives on blue and grey ticks.

Mathew 25: 15 To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. 26: But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and lazy servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed?  so the one with the single talent had it taken away and :29or to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. Sometimes I wonder, is it that I can’t really come up with anything or is it cause I lost my talent because of not utilizing it….?

One thing I do know for sure is that whatever it is you better start now. The things that seem tough to do are actually the ones that are worth doing, if it was easy we’d all be doing it right?. However we look at to the ones who’ve gone beyond us , beyond our thoughts, we are envious of those who are ahead of us not cause of what they what they have or what they have achieved but because of the gall they had to actually take the first step. I keep lying to myself that there’s the perfect moment to start something or to do something, did that last year with this blog and 340 something days later they ain’t much of difference. I’ve been writing this for close to 3 hours in between texting, eating, social media, closing my windows trying to keep myself ‘busy’ so I can justify doing it ‘tomorrow’. 2021 I just have to start and continue working. Oh Lord help me cause I need all the help possible.

Take the first step and follow through, sometimes it ain’t as hard as you think.

How Loud are My Thoughts?

I swear this will be like my 4th try at it, almost forgot even why I was writing.

So the world has basically become a smaller place with everyone being connected and all but what if it wasn’t the case anymore? What if you experience a limitation to all that? Does the world cease to exist for you or does life become boring?

It happened without even getting a sign or a warning and I was in a state of disconnect. Can’t talk to anyone as much as I could, couldn’t tell if someone was online or if they read my latest message. I wouldn’t know if my crush had blown up my phone with 100 messages cause she wasn’t being responded to(Hope she still likes me though). Information was not at my fingertips the way it used to be. Complete isolation

So there I was teetering between the point of self-pity isolation and isolated instances of optimism and cheerfulness, but between those two comes a moment of clarity. A point where you come to the realization that “I can’t stay here forever not moving on with life cause of that one thing!” I realized maybe what we usually do is just distract ourselves from life and other important things in it. If we get rid of your phone for let’s say 5 days will you be bored out of mind for the better part of that time? If it’s a yes then that’s a huge ass problem. It’s what happens when something that was meant to be on the periphery takes center stage in our life. Get a hobby, a distraction whatever but don’t make that little thing dictate your life. I was at the point where I’m like I can’t take this any longer but I stuck through it, but there’s a revelation(s) that comes with the disconnect.

Who do I value? Who values me? It’s a question we barely ask ourselves but it does tend to occasionally come to mind….. when your phone is dead and you still have 3 hours before the next source of power or maybe when Safaricom sends you that loving reminder text “Dear customer your bundle balance has been depleted…..”. We all “love” that text. You’ll think that the person you talk to the most is the one who really cares and the one that randomly texts 5times a month doesn’t, but it ain’t always like that. Circumstances and situations especially the bad bring out some sides of people you never knew.

I appreciate the disconnect cause it forces one into a period of self-evaluation-or maybe that’s only in my case-self analysis etc at the end of the day zote ziko na self. I realised who I value in my life isn’t really who values me, I realized the people you tend to push aside and put at arms’ length will be constantly concerned about you and kuna wale when you head back to reality they’ll be like “msee nimukuitia form WhatsApp hureply for like 3 weeks nikajua labda ushapanda bei” If they really wanted to get in touch with you, going the extra mile would have made that possible. They just chose not to.

Sometimes isolation is the best way to get in tune with your real self, without the noise of the crowd, just you listening to the echo of your thoughts. What do they say? How do you feel about it? How is it gonna affect me and my future? Sometimes it takes you losing yourself in your own world and thoughts to really figure out who you are.

I am all in for the disconnect/social media cleanse/me time etc, but you got to remember not to be so engrossed in your own world that you forget you’ve in one way or another helped others forge theirs. It’s through those bonds that we sometimes identify ourselves. If the disconnect doesn’t at all affect their reach to you, keep them in 2020.

The Campus Experience

So having recently graduated- second upper but do I say, insert silly laugh. I know it ain’t no first class but hey I tried. So its after all this I started thinking , did I really live my campus life the way I had planned to? Did I go crazy as much as I wanted to or as I could have?

So you get in school having heard oh “campus ndio watoto hupotea” ohh “ni venye tu uko mbali otherwise you’d be home everyday” We all get in with different notions, different ideas and even different misconceptions about uni. First year, first sem your life basically revolves around your books, cause bado hujashikanisha rada its all you know. Group leader ni wewe, always raising your hand in class, mara class rep, submitting assignments before its even due (surprisingly I always handed it in late). You and books become bae lakini kuna kakitu pahali that’s like, “mtuachana tu” and that’s where the fun kicks in.

FIFA, parties, football, girls -can never forget the girls- betting etc. After your first sem that’s when all of this really comes to light. You have all this freedom and all this little vices are beckoning unto you, what do you do? Meshi huyooo……dived in like I’m swimming freestyle in the Olympics. Everything was there and all I had to do was take the first step. Did I? Well lets just say my grades were dealt a heavy blow, took a while to recover I tell you. People did it all, I remember guys used to come to class hammered boychild na yeye ile kitu that was making my eyes bloodshot was staying up watching Smallville.

What was the point of this again? Oh yea campus is a place of freedom in abundance and endless opportunities, now the question is what do you indulge in. It is important to know yourself , your personality, your character, your values, what you hold important to you and can’t be compromised. That’s really all that’s worth valuing. Live your campus life the way you want, no regrets, enjoy each moment and savor it. Join clubs, associations, CA, CU, MUN whatever you do just join, be a part of the school besides just the books. I was actually part of the darts club at a certain point well till I poked someone’s ……but that’s a story for another day. Go on road trips, safaris, swimming with your pals, we used to do football every Thursday evening at a turf near school and have a lit game night after, go biking in Karura have picnics in Arboretum, fall in love or fall out of it, do it all. Cause down the road they might be a time you’ll regret not doing all the crazy stuff you could have with your classmates then and adulting would have hit you hard.

Moral of the story, don’t let any opportunity pass you bye, jibambe kesi baadaye as long as you remember you still went there to learn and make sure you ain’t compromising your values for no one.